ALL HAIL THE 14 “MIRACLES” 🫡

OH WOW, THANK YOU! For festooning the republic with more flags than a bunting factory on Black Friday, and upgrading loyalty checks to the deluxe, platinum, blink‑twice tier. Simply majestic.

GLORIOUS INNOVATION! For courageously streamlining human rights into the exclusive “maybe later” plan—all in the name of efficiency, optics, and a little paperwork razzle‑dazzle. Astounding.

BRAVO, STRATEGIST‑IN‑CHIEF! For the all‑purpose scapegoat multipack—now with 30% more outrage, easy‑open fear seals, and a free megaphone in every box. Iconic.

PARADE PERFECTION! For weaponizing pageantry so our ceremonies do 0–60 in classified seconds. The confetti alone could fund a small moon base.

TIMELINE RE‑CARVING! For chiseling gender into granite while selling the sculpture as freedom. The brochure sparkles almost as much as the rollback.

MEDIA MARVELS! For transforming “free press” into pay‑per‑view: tonight’s main event—truth vs. access—no holds barred, credentials optional. Electrifying.

SECURITY! SECURITY! SECURITY! For cranking the Fear‑o‑Matic to 11 so we never forget to be afraid. Goosebumps are the new governance.

HOLY SYNERGY! For bringing scripture to a photo‑op like a limited‑edition collectible—mint condition, still in box, batteries not included.

BOARDROOM BENEDICTIONS! For the Corporate Comfort Act—profits now rest on a memory‑foam pillow, with complimentary stock buybacks at turndown.

INVISIBLE LABOR—MAGIC TRICK! For teaching unions the ancient art of vanishing while shareholders saw the lady in half and keep both halves.

DIET FOR THE MIND! For proposing a national menu free of arts and fortified with alternative facts. A triumph of calories over culture.

LAW & (mostly) ORDER! For donating unlimited vibes to the word “order” while shrinking the word “law” in the wash. Industrial‑strength vibes, too.

MERITOCRACY, BUT MAKE IT GROUP CHAT! For assembling the Fellowship of the Ring‑Light: friends, family, and fixers—because governance looks better with mutual followers.

QUANTUM CIVICS! For pioneering Schrödinger’s Democracy, where the election both happened and didn’t until the box is opened by a friendly official. Theoretical, yet somehow very practical.